This summer was a time of liberation for me. I began to get some years of my life back. Time I’d wasted I began to reclaim. Dreams turned nightmares were shredded from my head. Because I made up my mind.
I remember the day I met you. Back then I too thought the sun shined out of your ass, along with the rest of ‘em. You didn’t sweep me off my feet, but somehow I lost my balance a bit. Sound familiar? Lost my own sense. My senses were filled with you. So was my extra time via my thoughts. And oh, did we have fun. Barely spent time with you, but I signed my heart off for a good sail out to your sea. I didn’t know then it’d sink.
I remember the time we held hands for hours.
I remember the first time I snuck out with you. It was a cold night.
I remember, even today, the way you would look at me and make me feel like the only person in the room.
I remember that you rehabilitated my sense of self worth.
I remember when you consoled me through that breaking family moment. Thanks. Really.
I remember when I thought we would work. (How did I ever think that?)
I remember when you lied to me. Have you noticed: we’re not best friends.
I remember the day that honest and having integrity fell out of the list of phrases I’d use to describe you. Too many false words and empty promises. In the words of Michelle, “be a man. Not even, be a decent human being.”
I remember when you really damaged my sense of self worth. I was broken like a shattered bowl. For months.
I remember the cold words you said to my face. Made me cry.
I remember staring into the rain, wanting to weightlessly fall into it to get away.
I remember when your lust was so convenient.
I remember hating you even more as I left.
I don’t know how a person gives almost the whole of her heart to someone. But I did it. I now realize that when a girl gives her heart away, she needs to give it to someone she can really, really trust. Because her heart, it’s the wellspring of her life! And if she puts in the hands of someone who will not treat it with care, her life will be choked off.
I used to get so angry about your failure to take responsibility, about how you so easily forgot things that were important to me. The worst part was knowing that you would probably never understand what you put me through. But truthfully, it’s okay; I wouldn’t want another person to feel it. I’d rather be hurt than hurt another.
I can’t say that I don’t care about these things anymore, because the truth is, I do. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t still be talking about them. But I can say that the way I view them is entirely different. I’m detached from these events now. They’re just things that happened. They’ve taught me what I want and don’t want. I always questioned why God put you in my life, why He crossed our paths. I understand now. So I can know the difference between genuine good and good that disguises. You helped me to learn.
You have some honorable characteristics. I recognize that. And I’m not free of fault for what happened. I have some faults myself; I made mistakes. But know this: I refuse to participate in your praise party any longer; you have enough people for that. I refuse to fill your emotional needs. I refuse to entertain your empty words.
I remember the day I made a conscious decision to end this chapter of my life. To cut away the wood and the clay. I will reference it as valuable lessons learned, and with genuinely refreshing peace, move forward.
confession: coming to green bay is still hard. i find myself travelling to his place in my head. #why
a couple weeks ago i posted lyrics to landfill - “i want you so much, but i hate your guts.”
it feels good to be over that.
gah my thirty-three year old sister acts like she’s seventeen. smh.